Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Monday December 3, 2012


There is something about the stars at night that makes my dad seem like he is not so far away. That somehow the sky is soft, and light and adorned with jewels. I lay on a blanket on the lawn- underneath the sweetness of my fathers spirit- somehow still with me, even when he is so far away. 
Tonight I dream of the sweetness of life. I sulk in every fluttering blessing in my life with a gratitude I cannot explain. The blessings seem so sweet not short, so eternal not temporary, so hopeful not hopeless. I am listening to Jon Thurlow and relief runs through my body like rain. Contentment kisses my soul- and I sit lacking nothing...in the love of Christ. Whole. Filled and Overflowing.  

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Tuesday September 25, 2012

For the first time in years I have found myself in a season of financial comfort. My family is not unbelievably wealthy or anything of that matter; but we can pay our bills and live comfortably and even go on the occasional shopping spree. Before I left for school I worked my tail off at my job saving for things I wanted and my family couldn't afford to replace (such as: my laptop and other useful electronics). I worked because I felt I was helping myself climb out of the financial rut my family had found ourselves in. Then, the unthinkable happened and March 15th 2012 my father was killed in a car crash. I could not fathom how my family would make it. We would have to move out of the house we have lived in for 15 years, we had no car, my little brother's high school years were growing comsumingly busy and my mom would be gone to work. I would have to give up my newfound freedom and move back home with my family. My worries felt insurmountable.

The next part of my story will raise some suspicion for some of you reading this but at the darkest most fear stricken months of my life, God provided for us. Now, I am not trying to sound uber religious and make this entire blog about christian cliches, because quite frankly, I hate to read hollow words nor would I take the time to write them here. So, with that being said I will continue with my story. After my father died, people began coming out of the woodwork to hold my family. Flight attendants from my mother's airline calling weekly to check on her and see how she was doing. My fathers friends flooding my house fixing and taking care of everything they could: our broken down fence, our uninsulated walls, the hole in the ceiling from the time my mom fell through the attic (funny story actually!). My father's trusted work friends came over and faithfully took care of our finances where my father left off. We were a puzzle that had been shattered apart. We were paralyzed, but people stopped there lives to come and bless us. To hold us while we cried, to listen while we told stories. They were the hands of love that helped nurse us until we could stand on our own again.

Quite frankly, I never got to thank those people. I was so overwhelmed at all that was happening, so used to being the family that gave and not the family that desperately needed help...that I was numb to the world. I was in shock, broken and bleeding for months and months. My mind was elsewhere...somewhere between unbearable loss and vulnerability. Somewhere, I was alive but could feel nothing at all.

My point in telling this story isn't for reminiscing purposes but a few others. First off, if you are reading this and took any part in holding us after my father died...I am indebted to you. You will never know how much the love you showed meant to us. Never. And we still...6 months later feel your love. I wish words were enough to express that. Second: For the first time in years I can finally sleep knowing the burden of finances do not lay so heavy on my mother. I have been enjoying life on this side of the world so much I have forgotten that every thing we have in our lives is a blessing. The things I have been blessed with are not for me to hoard from the world. Rather, I have been shown grace to show grace to others. There should never be a point in my life where my fear of life going black again overshadows my purpose and duty to the world. That's what I am working on right now. Hopefully, my story helps you today in some way. Weather you have experienced a similar situation or not. Walk away with this at least: regardless of where you are in your life, you have a purpose and a duty to the world around you. Our lives are too short to hoard.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Monday September 24, 2012
Its been about two weeks that I have been here in Arkansas. I knew coming here would be hard. I knew coming here would cost me my comfort...but I don't think I expected it to be like this. Each day is  scheduled full of things to do...meetings, classes, internships, dinners with host homes, social gatherings, and church events...they are all fun, all amazing...and all absolutely mandatory. I don't have a problem doing any of these things, I think sometimes I just wish I had some time for myself...to relax, to be adventurous to be by myself. I want to keep up, I want to be able to maintain all that I am learning here but I just feel overwhelmed. I want the change to be faster than it is, I want the healing to hurt less than it does, I want this new reality to be more comfortable... but no change, no transformation is pleasant at the time. Thats what Im learning...to just keep moving forward, to take each day as it comes to me...because to be quite honest..9 months of this seems like absolute hell. But if I take each day as it comes at me, I find myself feeling less overwhelmed, less tired and more energy and joy for the moment. I have no idea what is going to become of my life. But I do know that amongst my big dreams of travels and adventures there is no other place I am suppost to be but here in Arkansas. Its frustrating, its hard but I am in the palm of God's hand and wrestle as I may...there is no other place i'd rather be.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I lost myself. I did it  on purpose. I did it so that I could find myself again.



Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Wednesday July 25, 2012

River

I have spent this scorching Texas day hiding away in my house; scavenging through the boxes left over from my temporary move back home! After an awful 8 hour day...it is finally finished and here I am thinking about how the steps we take to keep our lives moving are so crucial to our well-being. For example, my father passed away in March. Yes, my family and I could live there. We could pretend every day was March 15th; or even wish we could live in the days before that. We could keep his closet untouched, and his office exactly the way it was when he left that morning. We could cling to every material possession he had until our knuckles became stained with blue and purple bruises. But instead, we have made keepsakes out of key staples of his life (a quilt out of old clothes; a book with his letters; his ties given my my little brother), and the rest of his things my mom so lovingly tucked away in a dresser in her room, closed the door... took a breath and looked forward. She made his office her craft room, and his closet storage. We didn't not do this to forget him...but rather because we refused to become stagnate in our loss; frozen from our shock; bitter from our pain. It's this act of keeping our lives moving forward, that keep us flowing...a flowing river. And that flowing river rushes into a vivid ocean, with sparkling waters and a golden sun, and a moonlit night. Moving forward; getting rid of what is useless; letting go of what was...these actions keep us from holding on to hollow things; hollow things that died long long ago. 
Want a full life?
 Keep it moving. Pause for a time, if necessary... but don't stand still, wasting away your life collecting dirt and mold, covering your radiant beauty until your hidden under the murk that you allowed. Don't stop moving froward because things aren't going your way; because your job isn't going the way you envisioned, because your divorced, because your boyfriend or girlfriend left you, because someone you  loved passed away, because you have cancer, because you are afraid, because you are angry, or insecure, or alone, or opposed....

Keep moving forward river...
Don't stay here for long
stand back up
brush the dirt off your shoulders
this is not where you belong.



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Tuesday July 24, 2012

Quiet Night

A quiet night
one so still
I can hear the sky breathe. 


Friday, July 13, 2012

Friday July 13, 2012


"The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.
 The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."
- Albert Einstein


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

"Sonnet 116"
By: William Shakespeare


"Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand'ring bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come; Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom: If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

My thoughts:
Love does not abandon, it is not temporary , it does not fade.
If it abandons, if it weakens, if it begins to dissipate...it was never love to begin with.
Love; an evolving presence, stands the tests of time.
Ever changing, never weakening
 ever ours.  


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Thursday July 5, 2012


I can't help but feel so thankful for the countless blessings of today! The bliss that comes from the smallest things in a moment, are those things which make my day extraordinary! It is the sunshine through the sheers that cover my window. It is in the sound of my mom's voice as she laughs. It is in the friends who have continuously made each day an raging adventure since the day I met them. (I think thats how I choose friends...those people who will leave me with no dull moment.) I am thankful for my youth, the excitement that comes with the world opening its arms to me; there is so much to learn, so much to discover, so much to delight in! I feel wild today; wildly free, wildly untamed, wildly gorgeous; wildly creative! I am so thankful, for every speck I see glitter in the sunlight, for every second I get to laugh, for the people who make me smile...and those special people who give me butterflies! I am so thankful for the opportunity to dream, and to experience the moment where reality and dreams come together for a miraculous kiss. That is where I sit today; bath suit on, sun shining... soaking in this gorgeous blue ocean of bliss and happiness...




Monday, July 2, 2012

Monday July 2, 2012

Veni, Vidi, Vici
I came, I saw, I conquered
By: (Me) Sawyer Buccy

There are those that say they understand me;
they believe they see me clearly.
Those people are fools.
For, not even I
see myself clearly yet.
But amongst those voices who try and define me by what they THINK they see...
I look into the river, that flows in front of me.
I look deep in to my reflection,
and see the warrior in me.
I see the fighter that rages against,
any light to die in me.
I see the woman that stands in strength into the face of life
and although it may be in my soul,
my enemy will find no fear in my eyes.

So Veni, Vidi, Vici
my heart knows no other way
I have come, I have seen, I will conquer
today, I will seize the day!















Thursday, June 28, 2012

Thursday June 28, 2012

Because the Earth does
By: Brooke Gale  Luby

we all want to know,
“what’s wrong with the world?”
but we don’t want to hear the answer
we need newer medicine
to cope with the speed 

of our world spinning
our inner ears are off balance
because we hear but we don’t hear
so we develop vertigo
and stay in bed all day
avoiding digging ditches and answering e-mails
surrounded by our TV personalities and down pillows
our pill box always within reach
while the world waits outside
still groaning
and we know things are broken
things beyond the ache in us
so we follow the groan outside of our gated community
we stumble past strip malls  and churches
we ignore the conman’s sales pitch and
can finally hear the ocean in front of us
so we run to the water
we rub our fingers on sharp barnacles
clinging to slippery rocks
till specks of blood drips out our hands
and something in the red wakes us up
and we let the waves lick them clean
the salt waters heal
on the sand  barefoot we spin
not because the swirling colors melt the
world into something transcendent
a little like seeing
skyscrapers reflected in puddles
not because drugs run through us
or the sickness is rampant
we spin because the earth does
we crush blades of sea grass between our fingers
just to know they’re not synthetic
to know the fragility of things that grow
the fragility of us
So don’t medicate our minds
let in the pain
let it bleed
let it be destroyed
and then let it bloom
Because that’s what the earth does


Monday, June 25, 2012

Monday June 25, 2012

Let's take the long way home
By: The Beautiful Girls


So, lets say I take the long way through today. The way that is not time efficient, productive or reasonable. Lets say, I drop my logical thinking at the door step and dance with the freedom of today. 
Lets say, I abandon the way I have been taught to think. Lets say, I allow myself to ask questions and dig deeper than I have before. Lets say, I stopped playing safe and started allowing myself a life worn well. Because I deserve it. Because Im worth it. Because I'm not about to live this short life on the sidelines, watching my dreams pass me by, while passion seeps through me like wasted gold.

What a wonderfully, terrifying thought...that my dreams; my 'far fetched' thoughts of what life could be... are reachable. That I can taste them...like one can taste the saltwater in the air as they near the ocean. Or as one can smell a storm before a drop of rain even hits the pavement. So at times I might be a little reckless, a little adventurous, a little different than you. Maybe, it's because I can't get enough of the freeing feeling of my hair whipped by the wind and my skin glowing with kisses from the sun. Or maybe its because I would rather dance in the rain than watch it from the window. I would rather jump in the water and ride the waves than sit in the boat afraid of what is underneath me. 

Lets take the long way home. I like the sound of that. 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Thursday June 7, 2012
Many times writing works like a mirror. Sometimes as we witness the stories of others, we find ourselves in there pain; in there joy; in there anger or confusion. In that moment, poetry becomes more than words that we see but the words that allow us to see ourselves in perfect light.

"To the mind that is still
the whole universe surrenders"

                       Buddha     

"Your grief for what you've lost lifts a mirror
up to where you're bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
If it were always fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding.
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as bird wings."

                           Rumi

"The Truth stands before me,
On my left is a blazing fire, and
On my right, a cool flowing stream.
One group of people walk toward the fire, into the fire,
And the other towards the cool flowing waters.
No one knows which is blessed and which is not.
But just as a just as someone enters the fire,
That head bobs up from the water,
And just as a head sinks into the water,
That face appears in the fire.
Those who love the sweet water of pleasure
And make it their devotion are cheated by this reversal.
The deception goes further-
The voice of the fire says:
“I am not fire, I am fountainhead,
Come into me and don’t mind the sparks.”
                                                              Rumi 
"Come, come whoever you are!
 Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.
It doesn't matter.
Ours is not a caravan
 of despair.
Come,
come even if you have
broken your vows
 a thousand times.
Come,
 come yet again,
come!"
                                                                Inscribed at the tomb of Jelaluddin Rumi

“You can hold back from
 suffering of the world,
 you have permission to do so,
 and it is in accordance
 with your nature,
 but perhaps this very holding back
is the one suffering
 you could have avoided"
                                                                Franz Kafka
Love After Love
"The time will come, when with elation,
 you will greet yourself arriving
 at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome
and say, sit here.  Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
 Give wine.  Give bread.  Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you.
all your life, whom you have ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
 peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit.  Feast on your life."
                                                                                      Dereck Walcott

The Journey
"One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began,
 though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice,
 though the whole house began to tremble
and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
"Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
 It was already late enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
 But little by little, as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,
 and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognized as your own,
 that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do,
determined to save the only life you could save. "
                                                Mary Oliver



Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Wednesday May 30, 2012


" When my heart is overwhelmed
lead me to the Rock, that is higher than I."
Psalm 61: 2
<3

Monday, May 28, 2012

Monday May 28th, 2012
Where I sit


There is a place
where pain no longer rots the bones
where beauty has a place in the ashes
where venom is sucked out of wounds.

There is a place
where healing rests on your skin like rain drops
and happiness comes with the kiss of the sun
and memories turn sweet like the waft of a rose.

This place is poetry
where what is wrong in the world
becomes the pill we must swallow
the sacrifice that must be taken
in order to make things right.

As I write
words swallow what burns in me.

As I write
words accept whats broken in me

As I write
strength tears the weakness from me.

There is a place
its where I sit
where loss and love and wholeness mix.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Sunday May 27, 2012
We are running to what's broken to heal us;
searching for love where there is pain.
Lusting for the forbidden
but there is passion here we say...
in the place were love and lust
both feel the same. 

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Saturday May 27, 2012

There are words in me.
Words I don't know where to find
or how to say
but I know they are there.

Just like you dad.
you are with me
And even though I don't know where to find you
or how to look
I know you are here.





Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Tuesday May 22, 2012
(Uploaded from pinterest.com) 


Monday, May 21, 2012

Monday May 21, 2012
Ripple Effect
I haven't written in a while once again, but today is a new day. And this is a new week. And its time for things to change in me. I'm tired of settling for less than I can accomplish because I am afraid. I'm tired of not writing because I am afraid of failure. I'm tired of hiding in the shadows of others because I'm afraid of being myself. I'm tired of being afraid of judgment. Things will change today for me. I know we are all people hungry for healing..maybe that's why we make the choices that we do. Maybe that's why we run to anything that can make us feel- make us feel like we not only are important but that importance is tangible.No wonder we feel so empty...because our actions have no substance. To thine own self be true. Today I will start following my heart, listening to that little voice inside of me...the one I try so hard to swallow; when I know I should listen. Today, I will stop closing my eyes to the pain; the to consequences; to realities that I don't want to see, because today I realized I can use my life to make a much greater impact on this world- not so that people will remember me, but so that maybe, just maybe a difference can be made...one that never fades. The ripple effect. What if we are all living for less than we are created to live for? What if we are settling instead of stepping out in courage. What if being courageous, is exactly what the world needs from you? 


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Wednesday May 9th, 2012

"Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future."
Audrey Hepburn

On Friday, I will be finished with my freshman year of college. Is it exiting? Yes! However, that excitement comes in whorls of bitter sweet expectation of the future. I reminisce on this year; as I walked into class, the first day, would I know that I would leave this place completely changed from the woman that I was? I have grown up... not completely, for I still have so much to learn and recognize my ignorance; but I have grown from who I was. I feel older. Its scary almost, that time is not a gentleman. He is not chival in any way. He runs forward, regardless of your pleads and cries for him to slow down. The sun rises and then it sets, and you become older with each hour, and time races on. 
 I think about the present; today; what I feel, what I will do the rest of the day. Then I think about the future- I get lost in my thoughts of the future. The past is what we have experienced, the present is what we know...but the future? The future is unknown; full of new experiences and events...that is what is frightening about the future...its mystery.
As we move forward it is so easy to stop, to freeze in fear of what lies around the corner...but this is the moment, the time, which separates the timid from the strong. Our entire lives have been building up to this point, this point of vulnerability, this point in which our world shifts and changes; in which we are given the chance to take opportunities which might change our lives. Life comes in winds like seasons. It is a book, whose pages are turned by a hand not our own. Chapters end, and others begin. Love is lost and love is gained. We experience joy and we mourn. Perhaps... perhaps, moving forward from here is not a step taken without fear, but it is a step taken with the hope that something is more important than our fear.We move forward not in the apprehension of failure, but rather with the leading that once we jump with courage...we will be able to fly.

Thursday, April 26, 2012


Thursday April 26, 2012

Do you know, that one of the great problems of our age is that we are governed by people who care more about feelings than they do thoughts and ideas?" 
-Margret Thatcher (First Female Prime Minister of Great Britain)




Call me nerdy, yes, but I absolutely adore men and women who profoundly change history! I love learning about leaders who defy the odds; who think differently; who cause controversy. Its amazing to me the courage it takes to lead a country. Elanor Roosevelt said, "Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you will be criticized for it anyway. You will be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." It seems leaders have to have this mindset in modern day society as well!  
Personally, politics today nauseate me. Its a group of men and women pointing fingers at one another instead of actively doing something to CHANGE society. Its absolutely juvenile, in my opinion. Maya Angelo once said, " If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." I don't mean to go on a rant today about politics. At the same time, I feel our leaders today have lost sight of there job as our representatives. On the other hand, the people have forgotten there power in the government. Instead of pointing fingers at Barack Obama, or even George Bush for our current economic crisis, perhaps we should strategize; look at history and come up with possible solutions and then fight for those solutions.
One thing I love about my generation is our boldness. We are unafraid of having controversial thoughts. I just wish we would act on those thoughts instead of being so afraid of failure; of weakness; of feelings. 
The men and women who went down in history as heroes are those who stood unafraid of opposition; who had the courage to make decisions that others were too afraid to make. There are profound lessons to learn from the courage of leaders. 
So my question for today is: what is it that is an crucial issue, one that is worthy of your energy? One that is worthy of your time? What is the change you wish to see in the world? Then I dare you... fight for that. 


Food for thought from Margret Thatcher:


* "Being powerful, is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are; you aren't."

* "The problem with socialism, is you eventually run out of other people's money."

*" Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's a day when you have had everything to do, and you have done it."

*" You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."

*" If you just set out to be liked, you will be prepared to compromise on anything at anytime and accomplish nothing."

*" I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have no a single political argument left." 

*" I usually make up my mind about a man in ten seconds; I very rarely change it." 

*"Being democratic is not enough, to a majority cannot turn what is wrong into right. In order to be considered truly free, countries must also have a deep love of liberty and an abiding respect for the rule of law.” 






Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Wednesday April 25, 2012
This week has introduced itself to me with some discouraging times. Thankfully, there has been a few treasures  that have touched my heart, so genuinely! I would love to share them with you! I hope these bring you a smile or even a comfort in whatever seasons of life you might be going through!: 


"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place"♥♥


The Shins- Its Only Life- Tristan Coplet



Monday, April 16, 2012

Monday April 16th, 2012
My Dad who build me...
Yesterday marked a month since my dad was killed. It didn't hit me until today. I was listening to Miranda Lamberts song, "The house that built me," and thought about my dad's old car that is sitting in my driveway. The air conditioner doesn't work; and you cant open the passenger side door because I crashed it; and sometimes you have to step on the gas peddle to get the engine to catch in the morning! I have a brand new car sitting right next to it. Both doors open and close, the air conditioning and heat works, and the engine starts without hesitation (hahaha). These past few days God has done amazing things in my families life and mine! I feel so blessed! My life is moving forward! But today I paused. I walked upstairs and threw my new keys on the counter; opened my desk drawer to find the rusted key to my dad and I's car. And then I went driving...went driving so I could remember who I was to my dad. And that's what I realized... you have to go back to where you came from...so you wont get lost in where you are going.


I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing
with him its like I'm someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I can drive this car just one last time...
I swear I will bring it back
I wont take nothing but the memories
of my dad who built me.




This is the car my dad kept running through countless car crashes (ops...) just for me!  He gave me this car when I moved out. Let the family drive a car he hated so I could enjoy a freedom I had never tasted before. This was my dad and I's. I watched this car fall apart piece by piece. And my father came by, so patiently and put it back together again. He would work on the car, and attempt to teach me (hehehe) and then we would go up stairs and talk and laugh! I know it looks like a piece of junk to you...but when I drive it I see what my dad's hands worked to keep alive for so long. Just for me. 300,000 miles and this car still runs. I see this car and remember my dad and me. (I love thinking about him and me)  
Never, have I been so proud, of such an old piece of junk....








Saturday, April 7, 2012

Saturday April 7, 2012
The love that never dies

Someone wise told me today that there is a ‘finality’ of life. That, that is why we are so afraid of letting go….because we cannot bear to say goodbye. Maybe, saying goodbye means to some that we have stopped fighting for something. Maybe for others, saying goodbye signals the ‘finality’ my friend was talking about. I think we fear, that if we let go, things will never be as they were again. Maybe we think, somewhere in our minds, that holding on means we still have some sort of control. That if we hold on forever… we can stop reality from becoming memories.
Its real.
I feel this fear, every time I visit my dad at his grave and cannot bear to leave. I feel this fear, every time I go inside before the sun drips away into the cascading blanket of the night. I fear, it may be the last time the sun ever touches my skin like it was at that moment. I fear, that may be the last time the rain ever looked so beautiful, falling from the leaves. I fear, if I let go of my father he will feel lonely. Or maybe, it’s just me that feels lonely without him. Maybe if I stay by his side, then we will be close again. And maybe if I never leave… we can be close forever….
I fear walking away from my father, or the sun or the rain…. but I still do it. Why? Because accepting the finality of life is part of becoming whole again. Because even the most beautiful things in life, do not last forever. The pages have to be turned or the story can never go on.
So…when you gather yourself together and begin to walk away; you realize that not a sunset.... not even death… can ever separate you from the life of your memories. The love, the joy the peace of the past is all just as real…just as alive, as it was the first moment you felt it. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Friday April 6, 2012
A friend showed me these videos on youtube tonight! I don't remember the last time I have laughed so hard! If you have hard a hard day, these videos will do the trick! Enjoy! 


REMI GAILLARD
PAC MAN:

MARIO:

KANGAROO:


Thursday, April 5, 2012

Thursday April 5, 2012
Low is a Height: Great Northern

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Wednesday April 4, 2012
The Ache 
[Ashes into Beauty] 
I feel like death stole something from me. I claw at the walls, but still my anguish does not dissipate. Screaming, I throw and break things as I walk through the room. I calm down and look at the floor. Here  I am again- left with the broken pieces that were once beautiful things….and there is nothing. Nothing still that can bring him back. I revolt against the hurt, the change. Tragedy burns through me. Sears from loss pattern my heart.  I let the hurt show on my face. Tears fall and the ache runs free. The pain falls like drops of blood to the floor. My dad sits in the room with me. Holds my hand. We look at each other, and tears drip off my cheeks.  I feel each throb of my heart, pulse blood through my veins. Minutes and hours fly by, but I am lost. I have hidden away in the walls of my heart. The ache, the ache runs free. The memories, the memories come to life. These ashes these ashes turn into beauty. Oh, these ashes, will turn into beauty.


Monday, April 2, 2012

April 2, 2012
Madeleine Peyroux- Dance Me to the End of Love

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Saturday March 31, 2012
Him and Me
I close my eyes, and the past become vivid again. Memories replay themselves in my mind like film. I am seven years old, in a pink sundress. I grab the plastic chains of the swing and squeal as my dad pushes me to the tops of the clouds; I reach, pretending I can fly. My father laughs. I smile. 
I am ten years old, getting dressed to go to the father daughter dance. I walk down the stairs, my hair curled and lip gloss on. I feel beautiful. My dad smiles at me and beams. I smile too. 
I am eighteen years old, on a run through the park. The sun is scorching and sweat drips down my back. My run has turned into a walk; I feel the bite in my side, and burn of my legs, and scream of my lungs. The park is beautiful today, spring has come: the flowers have bloomed, the birds are out, and the trees are full of life. I close my eyes and pretend my dad is there with me. As we walk we talk about life. I see his smile. I hear his stories. Its like he is there right by my side, like he never left, like nothing ever changed. We walk together for hours him and me. I rest in the solace that there will always be "him and me" that although everything has changed....nothing has. 


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Thursday March 29, 2012
14 days since my father went to see the Lord.





Forever My Prince Charming
I miss my dad tonight.
I miss him every day in different ways
but tonight seems to be more intense than the others.
I'm sad tonight.
Without my dad
I feel insignificant to the world.
Because in his eyes,
I was his world
I feel smaller now.
I'm sad tonight.
Without my dad
I feel lonely and abandoned in the world
Because he was my world.
I'm sad tonight.
Without my dad
I am a princess that misses her dad;
Because he was my prince charming.
I can smile tonight
because no matter how many days I have to go without him...
he always will be [my prince charming].

Forever
Forever my prince, he will always be.
Forever my heart will hold the place for he.

Forever my heart will love to make him smile
Forever in his arms, I will want to dance a while.

Forever his face I will long to touch
Forever his laugh I will love so much.

Forever my heart will cry from missing him
Forever I will grow stronger again.

Forever I will begin to fall from sadness to the floor
Forever my dads voice will tell me to turn to the Lord.

Forever my dad will look down on me and see
that Forever my prince, he will always, always be.




Thursday, March 15, 2012

Thursday March 15, 2012
Gone with the River

Your fading you know? Dissolving away like blood in a rushing river. Your stains are washing out of my heart, this river is clearing. You are gone my love; gone with the river.  

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Wednesday March 14, 2012


A day without dreaming
I have never had experiences like this before. I have never met so many people who filled my life with so much joy. Never have I been so blessed by people so filled with love. For the first time, I am learning what friendship really looks like, what it really means. I love the moments when we don't have to dream, because reality is so beautiful.


Fairy tales
Every girl loves a good conversation about love. Its funny really. The more experiences I have had with men, the more I have learned about myself. I’m not sure what it is about us girls and love. Its almost as if every woman believes in fairy tales- even if they don’t want to admit it. Because the truth is, we have all felt that magic, even if it was only for one night, in the perfect dress, with that perfect guy- and even after that night when the clock turned midnight and the pumpkin shriveled up and our prince charming never came searching for us; we tuck the sweetness of that night in our hearts- in the hope that one day the that magic will last forever. and it will; one day, it will last forever.


Fall away 
 It is so easy to get caught up in the future. To get swept up in worry: if I will ever pass my college math class, or how I am going to afford to go to India this summer, or what college I am going to after I finish my cores, or if I will have a healthy marriage, or how I will afford to live in this economy once I graduate....its scary, the future I mean. We are people of control. That is the funny thing; that we think we have any control over the happenings of our lives. I worry. I worry that my heart will get broken again, I worry I will disappoint people in my life, I worry when I am vulnerable, I worry I might fail. The fear passes though when I remember God is before me, that he is stronger than I. I put my palm against his and see the vastness of his hands. They cover me. God's hands are more than enough for me. They will not fail to hold me, they will not fail to strengthen me, they will not fail to heal, they will not fail to bring joy, they will not fail. My God will hold me. 

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Thursday March 8, 2012
Moved
For those of you who haven't heard of Birdy; this 14 year old girl has talent that can melt hearts.
Absolutely gorgeous voice.
Check her music out. It's perfect for a cold rainy day (like today)!
Enjoy!

Skinny Love

Shelter

The A Team

Without A Word

Help The People

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Monday, March 5, 2012

Sunday March 6th- Monday March 5th 2012
The Art of Laughter
These past few days have been filled with hilarious episodes and some very trying times. Its funny how you can have such a horrible week, but laughter seems to heal the hurt. These past few days, I have learned so much and grown so much...and have laughed to the point of tears, multiple times, because of friends! Don't you love that!? That moment when you laugh so hard, you go silent? A real laugh, a rich laugh, a laugh that goes deep...so deep, it makes your soul smile. Its beautiful really, that laughing has the power to soak into your being and heal you from inside, out. 


A few random things that made me laugh:
-My roommate: going through Walmart, dirty dancing on people without them noticing her. 
- My roommate: mooning me in the middle of Walmart
- My roommate: Tripping over the bike in our kitchen
(My roommate has been quite hilarious, this week!)



One more random tidbit: 
All that matters is what you think of yourself. There is enormous worth and beauty in a woman who loves herself unconditionally. I think learning that this week helped the laughs go deeper. Regardless, of what anyone believes or thinks about me; I see my worth. I hope the same is true for you as well....


Life will be hard, and when it is: Laugh, Learn, and Love yourself. 


India Arie:
Beautiful Flower



Saturday, March 3, 2012

Saturday March 3 2012
Night
"Wash"
Bon Iver
I got home from work just a bit ago; and now I'm sitting in my bed with lanterns lit around the room thinking over the day. It seems that each night my mind and I go through this routine. We sit together as I lie awake, and remember the thoughts of today: the people I met, the questions I had. I think about my life, the vastness of it all. I think about love and the loss of it. I wonder what the stars look like tonight without the city lights. I'm not sure why this happens. Maybe it is just for me to recognize my thoughts are important... even if they don't have answers yet. Even, if they are just words with no meaning. And most of them are.... but that doesn't make them any less beautiful. That doesn't mean they have any less significance.Words from our souls are brilliant treasures. We should savor them...every last sound, because those thoughts came from the inside of you.

love yourself again.  

Friday, March 2, 2012

Friday March 2 2012
"Starting now, from this point on go out and live life the way you want to, do things you have always wanted to do, chase your goals, forget other peoples opinions. Go on, and live. Not for them, for you."
- Anonymous

I read this quote this morning on Pintrest (if you don't have one; i'm warning you now it is uncontrollably addictive!) I wonder what my life would be like, if I lived by that quote. I guess now, I am in college hoping that if I live life the way I am now, later I can live the life I want to live. Its funny how other people's opinions of the way we choose to live our lives becomes more important than our own happiness. I would rather be unhappy and get through college, than make my parents unhappy and go travel around the world and write. I have chosen this; because this life is what pleases them. I do this with the hope, that one day, I will get to live the life that pleases me. 
If I was living my life by this quote, I would work and save as much money as I could...and then this summer..I would leave. I would not have a detailed plan; I would not go with an official travel organization. I would not feel the need to explain this desire to anyone. I would leave. I would rent a sailboat and I would spend days and days out on the seas of foreign countries soaking in the sun, and then savoring the land as I dwelled in the richness of culture. I would be free. I would spend a day floating in the Mediterranean sea; writing. I would go scuba diving and see all the gorgeous fish below the surface. (this might be an appropriate time to say that swimming with a whale shark is a major event on my bucket list!) I would learn new languages, be inspired by new people; I would climb mountains and sit on the top of the world with no memory of time. This is the life I want to live. This is the life I was born to live. 
Today, I sit in my apartment writing by a window that looks over the fields of Texas. I have homework to do, and work tonight and a burning in my heart for the day when I have become a writer and am traveling the world! The day that these college moments and Texas scenery will be only a memory. 
Just a few thoughts.
What would your life look like, if you lived life by this quote? 


Thursday March 1 2012
Rebuilt

My clothes drape to the floor as the sun drapes from the sky. It lets itself unwind; and so do I.  It’s as you fall apart that you are rebuilt again. 

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Wednesday February 29 2012
"Let your smile change the world. Don't let the world change your smile." 
- Anonymous
For those of you who know me, it wont come as surprise when I say I'm not the best cook in the world:) I wish I was and occasionally I do have my 'Rachel Ray' moments. But usually my cooking escapades turn into disasters. Like, last week when I set the fire alarm off because I burnt a chicken breast...or maybe a few months ago when I forgot to put the top on the blender and our ceiling became covered in strawberry banana smoothie! I come from a family of southern cooks (my mom's side) and indescribable Italian cooks (my dad's side of the family) and my cooking expertise goes as far as eggs, pancakes....and occasionally the dreaded microwave dinner! Anyways, my point in this story is that I successfully cooked fish tonight; defrosted it and everything and didn't burn the apartment down! That fact alone should make every student living in this vicinity- jump for joy!
Rewinding a few hours, Id like to say my day was wonderful. Of course one's day wouldn't be complete without unexpected inconveniences ( AKA: loosing your cell phone, locking your keys in the car, sleeping through your alarm...). Today's inconvenience, happend to be that our air conditioner broke...and after I came home from class found it to be cooler outside in the 76 degree Texas weather, than inside. So, I did what any true nature lover would do: grabbed my iPod, some sandals and spent the afternoon outside! I found some new songs and also enjoyed some of my old favorites. It amazing to me the power music has in our lives! One song can get us pumped up to workout, or still the world so we can think. Its mind boggling really. Anyways, these are a few of the songs on my playlist today! I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!:


1. Every Little Thing
By: Soft Swells
2. Young Blood
By: The Naked and Famous
3. Beach Baby
By:  Bon Iver
4. Like A Star
By: Corinne Bailey Rae
5. Miles Away (Acoustic)
By: Years Under The Sun
(Sorry about the Corona advertisement...its the only video I could find with this version of the song!)


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Tuesday, February 28
A Sunset Walk
Its the feeling you get when the sun hits your skin for the first time in months. When the wind blows through your hair, and your worries blow away with it. Its pure freedom. That is what I felt tonight. 
Bon Iver's 'Beach Baby' serenaded me as I meandered through the park at sunset in my flip flops, raggedy jean shorts, and baggy shirt. The sunset was stunning tonight; bursting oranges and hot pinks bleed through the rain clouds. The world became quiet. 
I walked miles. I walked as far into no-where as the light would let me. I walked until the silence was louder than the speeding cars of the freeway. I walked until the city lights were just an illumination in the sky; not blaring neon. I walked until I was not suffocating from the world anymore. I walked until I could breathe. I walked until I could throw my arms out beside me like a child and spin around in circles with my head facing the sky; savoring every moment of this perfect night. I walked until I could hear God breathe in me. That’s how far I walked tonight; all the way to the heart of me.