Monday December 3, 2012

There is something about the stars at night that makes my dad seem like he is not so far away. That somehow the sky is soft, and light and adorned with jewels. I lay on a blanket on the lawn- underneath the sweetness of my fathers spirit- somehow still with me, even when he is so far away. 

Tonight I dream of the sweetness of life. I sulk in every fluttering blessing in my life with a gratitude I cannot explain. The blessings seem so sweet not short, so eternal not temporary, so hopeful not hopeless. I am listening to Jon Thurlow and relief runs through my body like rain. Contentment kisses my soul- and I sit lacking nothing...in the love of Christ. Whole. Filled and Overflowing.  

Tuesday September 25, 2012

For the first time in years I have found myself in a season of financial comfort. My family is not unbelievably wealthy or anything of that matter; but we can pay our bills and live comfortably and even go on the occasional shopping spree. Before I left for school I worked my tail off at my job saving for things I wanted and my family couldn't afford to replace (such as: my laptop and other useful electronics). I worked because I felt I was helping myself climb out of the financial rut my family had found ourselves in. Then, the unthinkable happened and March 15th 2012 my father was killed in a car crash. I could not fathom how my family would make it. We would have to move out of the house we have lived in for 15 years, we had no car, my little brother's high school years were growing comsumingly busy and my mom would be gone to work. I would have to give up my newfound freedom and move back home with my family. My worries felt insurmountable.

The next part of my story will raise some suspicion for some of you reading this but at the darkest most fear stricken months of my life, God provided for us. Now, I am not trying to sound uber religious and make this entire blog about christian cliches, because quite frankly, I hate to read hollow words nor would I take the time to write them here. So, with that being said I will continue with my story. After my father died, people began coming out of the woodwork to hold my family. Flight attendants from my mother's airline calling weekly to check on her and see how she was doing. My fathers friends flooding my house fixing and taking care of everything they could: our broken down fence, our uninsulated walls, the hole in the ceiling from the time my mom fell through the attic (funny story actually!). My father's trusted work friends came over and faithfully took care of our finances where my father left off. We were a puzzle that had been shattered apart. We were paralyzed, but people stopped there lives to come and bless us. To hold us while we cried, to listen while we told stories. They were the hands of love that helped nurse us until we could stand on our own again.

Quite frankly, I never got to thank those people. I was so overwhelmed at all that was happening, so used to being the family that gave and not the family that desperately needed help...that I was numb to the world. I was in shock, broken and bleeding for months and months. My mind was elsewhere...somewhere between unbearable loss and vulnerability. Somewhere, I was alive but could feel nothing at all.

My point in telling this story isn't for reminiscing purposes but a few others. First off, if you are reading this and took any part in holding us after my father died...I am indebted to you. You will never know how much the love you showed meant to us. Never. And we still...6 months later feel your love. I wish words were enough to express that. Second: For the first time in years I can finally sleep knowing the burden of finances do not lay so heavy on my mother. I have been enjoying life on this side of the world so much I have forgotten that every thing we have in our lives is a blessing. The things I have been blessed with are not for me to hoard from the world. Rather, I have been shown grace to show grace to others. There should never be a point in my life where my fear of life going black again overshadows my purpose and duty to the world. That's what I am working on right now. Hopefully, my story helps you today in some way. Weather you have experienced a similar situation or not. Walk away with this at least: regardless of where you are in your life, you have a purpose and a duty to the world around you. Our lives are too short to hoard.

Monday September 24, 2012
Its been about two weeks that I have been here in Arkansas. I knew coming here would be hard. I knew coming here would cost me my comfort...but I don't think I expected it to be like this. Each day is  scheduled full of things to do...meetings, classes, internships, dinners with host homes, social gatherings, and church events...they are all fun, all amazing...and all absolutely mandatory. I don't have a problem doing any of these things, I think sometimes I just wish I had some time for myself...to relax, to be adventurous to be by myself. I want to keep up, I want to be able to maintain all that I am learning here but I just feel overwhelmed. I want the change to be faster than it is, I want the healing to hurt less than it does, I want this new reality to be more comfortable... but no change, no transformation is pleasant at the time. Thats what Im learning...to just keep moving forward, to take each day as it comes to me...because to be quite honest..9 months of this seems like absolute hell. But if I take each day as it comes at me, I find myself feeling less overwhelmed, less tired and more energy and joy for the moment. I have no idea what is going to become of my life. But I do know that amongst my big dreams of travels and adventures there is no other place I am suppost to be but here in Arkansas. Its frustrating, its hard but I am in the palm of God's hand and wrestle as I may...there is no other place i'd rather be.

I lost myself. I did it  on purpose. I did it so that I could find myself again.

Wednesday July 25, 2012

River

I have spent this scorching Texas day hiding away in my house; scavenging through the boxes left over from my temporary move back home! After an awful 8 hour day...it is finally finished and here I am thinking about how the steps we take to keep our lives moving are so crucial to our well-being. For example, my father passed away in March. Yes, my family and I could live there. We could pretend every day was March 15th; or even wish we could live in the days before that. We could keep his closet untouched, and his office exactly the way it was when he left that morning. We could cling to every material possession he had until our knuckles became stained with blue and purple bruises. But instead, we have made keepsakes out of key staples of his life (a quilt out of old clothes; a book with his letters; his ties given my my little brother), and the rest of his things my mom so lovingly tucked away in a dresser in her room, closed the door... took a breath and looked forward. She made his office her craft room, and his closet storage. We didn't not do this to forget him...but rather because we refused to become stagnate in our loss; frozen from our shock; bitter from our pain. It's this act of keeping our lives moving forward, that keep us flowing...a flowing river. And that flowing river rushes into a vivid ocean, with sparkling waters and a golden sun, and a moonlit night. Moving forward; getting rid of what is useless; letting go of what was...these actions keep us from holding on to hollow things; hollow things that died long long ago. 

Want a full life?

 Keep it moving. Pause for a time, if necessary... but don't stand still, wasting away your life collecting dirt and mold, covering your radiant beauty until your hidden under the murk that you allowed. Don't stop moving froward because things aren't going your way; because your job isn't going the way you envisioned, because your divorced, because your boyfriend or girlfriend left you, because someone you  loved passed away, because you have cancer, because you are afraid, because you are angry, or insecure, or alone, or opposed....

Keep moving forward river...

Don't stay here for long

stand back up

brush the dirt off your shoulders

this is not where you belong.

Tuesday July 24, 2012

Quiet Night

A quiet night

one so still

I can hear the sky breathe. 

Friday July 13, 2012

"The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.

 The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."

- Albert Einstein