New Blog

Announcement! I started this blog two years ago at a extremely transitional time. For that reason, my posts were from the heart but unorganized and all over the place! After months of planning I improved the idea of this blog but revamped the website and narrowed down on a specific theme.

The new address is: sawyerruth.wordpress.com

I hope you enjoy the new blog! 

Enjoying a Life of Beauty,

Sawyer 

My Love

When I read heart wrenching love stories...I think of you. 

I think that maybe our love has been the love

A storm has with the waves. 

Chaos. chaos. disaster. 

But oh, what a beautiful ruin we are. 

Fierce. 

Captivating... 

And merciless. 

My love for you is endless. 

Miles deep and oceans long.

You are beautiful to me. 

Last Night

This is love:A choice. 

Maybe

You tell me to believe

“Believe in what!?,” I think

but I smile at you anyways

and kiss your lips as filled with love as I can

the kind of kiss that only happens

when you know it might be the last.

You tell me to trust you

“trust you to do what!?,” I think

but I smile at you anyway

pretend I believe that you will stay this time

but in my mind

I am already watching you leave. 

I know how this will end:

with my broken heart 

and you with power

but I gamble anyway.

With hope in my heart that

maybe it will be different this time.

Maybe you will stay.

Maybe fate has dealt a new hand.

I watch the past repeat itself over and over again.

but still I think...

maybe. 

Lord,

I keep reading and thinking over these verses is Isaiah 62; where you completely restore, relentlessly pursue and passionately desire and then rename this town...this people. Jesus, the funny thing is that you call these people a 'her.' So naturally, I think of me and you. I think of how your desire for my heart is fierce and strong

" I will not keep silent nor remain quiet until her righteousness shines out like dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch (Isaiah 62: 1)." 

You will not relent, and I am so so thankful for that my sweet Jesus. I am so thankful for your pursuit of my heart, for just how you work. I am still in your presence Lord Jesus. 

But you don't end the story there...

Then you replace the heart of her memories. You replace the scar tissue from her past and make her heart soft again.

You stand before her as her mighty warrior

and you become her father.

You give her a new name

"No longer will they call her Deserted, or name her land Desolate. But she will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in her) (Isaiah 62:4)" 

then you become her lover 

"...and her land Beulah (married) (Isaiah 62:4)"

and you take delight in her

" As a young man pursues a maiden, as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride so will your God rejoice over you (Isaiah 62:5)." 

You completely restore hopeless situations. I am overwhelmed at your goodness. As I read those verses I knew I was reading about your heart...about my story...about your love. I have new name now...delighted in....

I am overwhelmed by your grace, and although I do not understand it

thank you God.

you make all things new

Sunday June 2, 2013

Ephesians 3: 16- 21

" I ask the Father in his great glory to give you the power to be strong inwardly through his Spirit. I pray that Christ will live in your hearts by faith and that your life will be strong IN love and built ON love. And I pray that you and all God's holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ's love- how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is. Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Then you can be filled with the fullness of God."

I need Jesus. 

Like how the flowers need the sun 

like how the birds need the sky 

like how the wind needs the rain.

 I need Jesus 

like how a fire needs a match

 like how a boat needs the ocean

like how a child needs her tears.

 I need Jesus

 like how music needs a musicaian

 like how a woman needs love

like how a fish needs a river.

I need Jesus

like how I need air to breathe

like how I need sunshine to see

like I need love just to be me.

I need Jesus.

Josh Garrels
Sweet River Roll

May 29, 2013

I am proud to say I have graduated from Applied Life (my 9 month internship)! I am home now, and feel like I have been given a fresh start! The Lord has done such an amazing work in me, and thanks to Applied Life I have the foundation I need to move forward! I am thankful and exited and healed and ready to work hard to get where I know God has for me to be! If you have been praying, thank you- I have felt every one of your prayers. If you encouraged me to start blogging again... thank you, I needed the push;) If you have faithfully stuck by my side in all of this...thank you, you have blessed my life more than I have the words to thank you. If you have been a part of my life in any way good or bad, thank you; God has used those moments to teach me invaluable lessons. I am thankful for it all.

2 Corinthians 5:17

" If anyone belongs to Christ he (or she) is a new creation . The old things have gone; everything is made new." 

This scripture is my heart and soul right now:) It lets me taste just how deep and wide and vast and relentless my Saviors' love for me is. I am overwhelmed. It blows me away, has carried me when I could not move, chased me and pursued me, believed in me, felt my hurt, caught my tears, held me in lonely nights, rejoiced with me when the morning came, fought with me all this way, has gone before me to prepare the way but stays beside me at this very moment. My God holds my heart and the stars in the same hand. He is the maker of the heavens and earth but longs for our love. My God has made all things new. My past is gone, his grace and mercy have washed me, and here I am made right with him- a new creation. 

The power of this and really any scripture is our faith to believe it. We cannot merely read the word, we must believe with every ounce of our being that what God is promising us is truly ours. Because it is. That's when he can begin to truly move, when he has a willing heart expecting him to speak. He is good. It's always like springtime with him:) 

Monday December 3, 2012

There is something about the stars at night that makes my dad seem like he is not so far away. That somehow the sky is soft, and light and adorned with jewels. I lay on a blanket on the lawn- underneath the sweetness of my fathers spirit- somehow still with me, even when he is so far away. 

Tonight I dream of the sweetness of life. I sulk in every fluttering blessing in my life with a gratitude I cannot explain. The blessings seem so sweet not short, so eternal not temporary, so hopeful not hopeless. I am listening to Jon Thurlow and relief runs through my body like rain. Contentment kisses my soul- and I sit lacking nothing...in the love of Christ. Whole. Filled and Overflowing.  

Tuesday September 25, 2012

For the first time in years I have found myself in a season of financial comfort. My family is not unbelievably wealthy or anything of that matter; but we can pay our bills and live comfortably and even go on the occasional shopping spree. Before I left for school I worked my tail off at my job saving for things I wanted and my family couldn't afford to replace (such as: my laptop and other useful electronics). I worked because I felt I was helping myself climb out of the financial rut my family had found ourselves in. Then, the unthinkable happened and March 15th 2012 my father was killed in a car crash. I could not fathom how my family would make it. We would have to move out of the house we have lived in for 15 years, we had no car, my little brother's high school years were growing comsumingly busy and my mom would be gone to work. I would have to give up my newfound freedom and move back home with my family. My worries felt insurmountable.

The next part of my story will raise some suspicion for some of you reading this but at the darkest most fear stricken months of my life, God provided for us. Now, I am not trying to sound uber religious and make this entire blog about christian cliches, because quite frankly, I hate to read hollow words nor would I take the time to write them here. So, with that being said I will continue with my story. After my father died, people began coming out of the woodwork to hold my family. Flight attendants from my mother's airline calling weekly to check on her and see how she was doing. My fathers friends flooding my house fixing and taking care of everything they could: our broken down fence, our uninsulated walls, the hole in the ceiling from the time my mom fell through the attic (funny story actually!). My father's trusted work friends came over and faithfully took care of our finances where my father left off. We were a puzzle that had been shattered apart. We were paralyzed, but people stopped there lives to come and bless us. To hold us while we cried, to listen while we told stories. They were the hands of love that helped nurse us until we could stand on our own again.

Quite frankly, I never got to thank those people. I was so overwhelmed at all that was happening, so used to being the family that gave and not the family that desperately needed help...that I was numb to the world. I was in shock, broken and bleeding for months and months. My mind was elsewhere...somewhere between unbearable loss and vulnerability. Somewhere, I was alive but could feel nothing at all.

My point in telling this story isn't for reminiscing purposes but a few others. First off, if you are reading this and took any part in holding us after my father died...I am indebted to you. You will never know how much the love you showed meant to us. Never. And we still...6 months later feel your love. I wish words were enough to express that. Second: For the first time in years I can finally sleep knowing the burden of finances do not lay so heavy on my mother. I have been enjoying life on this side of the world so much I have forgotten that every thing we have in our lives is a blessing. The things I have been blessed with are not for me to hoard from the world. Rather, I have been shown grace to show grace to others. There should never be a point in my life where my fear of life going black again overshadows my purpose and duty to the world. That's what I am working on right now. Hopefully, my story helps you today in some way. Weather you have experienced a similar situation or not. Walk away with this at least: regardless of where you are in your life, you have a purpose and a duty to the world around you. Our lives are too short to hoard.

Monday September 24, 2012
Its been about two weeks that I have been here in Arkansas. I knew coming here would be hard. I knew coming here would cost me my comfort...but I don't think I expected it to be like this. Each day is  scheduled full of things to do...meetings, classes, internships, dinners with host homes, social gatherings, and church events...they are all fun, all amazing...and all absolutely mandatory. I don't have a problem doing any of these things, I think sometimes I just wish I had some time for myself...to relax, to be adventurous to be by myself. I want to keep up, I want to be able to maintain all that I am learning here but I just feel overwhelmed. I want the change to be faster than it is, I want the healing to hurt less than it does, I want this new reality to be more comfortable... but no change, no transformation is pleasant at the time. Thats what Im learning...to just keep moving forward, to take each day as it comes to me...because to be quite honest..9 months of this seems like absolute hell. But if I take each day as it comes at me, I find myself feeling less overwhelmed, less tired and more energy and joy for the moment. I have no idea what is going to become of my life. But I do know that amongst my big dreams of travels and adventures there is no other place I am suppost to be but here in Arkansas. Its frustrating, its hard but I am in the palm of God's hand and wrestle as I may...there is no other place i'd rather be.

I lost myself. I did it  on purpose. I did it so that I could find myself again.

Wednesday July 25, 2012

River

I have spent this scorching Texas day hiding away in my house; scavenging through the boxes left over from my temporary move back home! After an awful 8 hour day...it is finally finished and here I am thinking about how the steps we take to keep our lives moving are so crucial to our well-being. For example, my father passed away in March. Yes, my family and I could live there. We could pretend every day was March 15th; or even wish we could live in the days before that. We could keep his closet untouched, and his office exactly the way it was when he left that morning. We could cling to every material possession he had until our knuckles became stained with blue and purple bruises. But instead, we have made keepsakes out of key staples of his life (a quilt out of old clothes; a book with his letters; his ties given my my little brother), and the rest of his things my mom so lovingly tucked away in a dresser in her room, closed the door... took a breath and looked forward. She made his office her craft room, and his closet storage. We didn't not do this to forget him...but rather because we refused to become stagnate in our loss; frozen from our shock; bitter from our pain. It's this act of keeping our lives moving forward, that keep us flowing...a flowing river. And that flowing river rushes into a vivid ocean, with sparkling waters and a golden sun, and a moonlit night. Moving forward; getting rid of what is useless; letting go of what was...these actions keep us from holding on to hollow things; hollow things that died long long ago. 

Want a full life?

 Keep it moving. Pause for a time, if necessary... but don't stand still, wasting away your life collecting dirt and mold, covering your radiant beauty until your hidden under the murk that you allowed. Don't stop moving froward because things aren't going your way; because your job isn't going the way you envisioned, because your divorced, because your boyfriend or girlfriend left you, because someone you  loved passed away, because you have cancer, because you are afraid, because you are angry, or insecure, or alone, or opposed....

Keep moving forward river...

Don't stay here for long

stand back up

brush the dirt off your shoulders

this is not where you belong.

Tuesday July 24, 2012

Quiet Night

A quiet night

one so still

I can hear the sky breathe. 

Friday July 13, 2012

"The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.

 The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."

- Albert Einstein

"Sonnet 116"

By: William Shakespeare

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand'ring bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come; Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom: If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

My thoughts:

Love does not abandon, it is not temporary , it does not fade.

If it abandons, if it weakens, if it begins to dissipate...it was never love to begin with.

Love; an evolving presence, stands the tests of time.

Ever changing, never weakening
 ever ours.  

Thursday July 5, 2012


I can't help but feel so thankful for the countless blessings of today! The bliss that comes from the smallest things in a moment, are those things which make my day extraordinary! It is the sunshine through the sheers that cover my window. It is in the sound of my mom's voice as she laughs. It is in the friends who have continuously made each day an raging adventure since the day I met them. (I think thats how I choose friends...those people who will leave me with no dull moment.) I am thankful for my youth, the excitement that comes with the world opening its arms to me; there is so much to learn, so much to discover, so much to delight in! I feel wild today; wildly free, wildly untamed, wildly gorgeous; wildly creative! I am so thankful, for every speck I see glitter in the sunlight, for every second I get to laugh, for the people who make me smile...and those special people who give me butterflies! I am so thankful for the opportunity to dream, and to experience the moment where reality and dreams come together for a miraculous kiss. That is where I sit today; bath suit on, sun shining... soaking in this gorgeous blue ocean of bliss and happiness...

Monday July 2, 2012

Veni, Vidi, Vici

I came, I saw, I conquered
By: (Me) Sawyer Buccy

There are those that say they understand me;
they believe they see me clearly.
Those people are fools.
For, not even I
see myself clearly yet.
But amongst those voices who try and define me by what they THINK they see...
I look into the river, that flows in front of me.
I look deep in to my reflection,
and see the warrior in me.
I see the fighter that rages against,
any light to die in me.
I see the woman that stands in strength into the face of life
and although it may be in my soul,
my enemy will find no fear in my eyes.

So Veni, Vidi, Vici
my heart knows no other way
I have come, I have seen, I will conquer
today, I will seize the day!

Thursday June 28, 2012

Because the Earth does

By: Brooke Gale  Luby

we all want to know,

“what’s wrong with the world?”
but we don’t want to hear the answer
we need newer medicine
to cope with the speed 

of our world spinning

our inner ears are off balance
because we hear but we don’t hear

so we develop vertigo
and stay in bed all day
avoiding digging ditches and answering e-mails
surrounded by our TV personalities and down pillows
our pill box always within reach
while the world waits outside

still groaning

and we know things are broken
things beyond the ache in us

so we follow the groan outside of our gated community
we stumble past strip malls  and churches
we ignore the conman’s sales pitch and
can finally hear the ocean in front of us

so we run to the water
we rub our fingers on sharp barnacles
clinging to slippery rocks
till specks of blood drips out our hands
and something in the red wakes us up
and we let the waves lick them clean
the salt waters heal

on the sand  barefoot we spin
not because the swirling colors melt the
world into something transcendent
a little like seeing
skyscrapers reflected in puddles
not because drugs run through us
or the sickness is rampant

we spin because the earth does

we crush blades of sea grass between our fingers
just to know they’re not synthetic
to know the fragility of things that grow

the fragility of us

So don’t medicate our minds
let in the pain
let it bleed
let it be destroyed

and then let it bloom

Because that’s what the earth does

Monday June 25, 2012

Let's take the long way home

By: The Beautiful Girls

So, lets say I take the long way through today. The way that is not time efficient, productive or reasonable. Lets say, I drop my logical thinking at the door step and dance with the freedom of today. 

Lets say, I abandon the way I have been taught to think. Lets say, I allow myself to ask questions and dig deeper than I have before. Lets say, I stopped playing safe and started allowing myself a life worn well. Because I deserve it. Because Im worth it. Because I'm not about to live this short life on the sidelines, watching my dreams pass me by, while passion seeps through me like wasted gold.

What a wonderfully, terrifying thought...that my dreams; my 'far fetched' thoughts of what life could be... are reachable. That I can taste them...like one can taste the saltwater in the air as they near the ocean. Or as one can smell a storm before a drop of rain even hits the pavement. So at times I might be a little reckless, a little adventurous, a little different than you. Maybe, it's because I can't get enough of the freeing feeling of my hair whipped by the wind and my skin glowing with kisses from the sun. Or maybe its because I would rather dance in the rain than watch it from the window. I would rather jump in the water and ride the waves than sit in the boat afraid of what is underneath me. 

Lets take the long way home. I like the sound of that. 

Thursday June 7, 2012
Many times writing works like a mirror. Sometimes as we witness the stories of others, we find ourselves in there pain; in there joy; in there anger or confusion. In that moment, poetry becomes more than words that we see but the words that allow us to see ourselves in perfect light.

"To the mind that is still

the whole universe surrenders"

                       Buddha     

"Your grief for what you've lost lifts a mirror

up to where you're bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,

here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.

If it were always fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding.

the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated

as bird wings."

                           Rumi

"The Truth stands before me,

On my left is a blazing fire, and

On my right, a cool flowing stream.

One group of people walk toward the fire, into the fire,

And the other towards the cool flowing waters.

No one knows which is blessed and which is not.

But just as a just as someone enters the fire,

That head bobs up from the water,

And just as a head sinks into the water,

That face appears in the fire.

Those who love the sweet water of pleasure

And make it their devotion are cheated by this reversal.

The deception goes further-

The voice of the fire says:

“I am not fire, I am fountainhead,

Come into me and don’t mind the sparks.”

                                                              Rumi 

"Come, come whoever you are!

 Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.

It doesn't matter.

Ours is not a caravan

 of despair.

Come,

come even if you have

broken your vows

 a thousand times.

Come,

 come yet again,

come!"

                                                                Inscribed at the tomb of Jelaluddin Rumi

“You can hold back from

 suffering of the world,

 you have permission to do so,

 and it is in accordance

 with your nature,

 but perhaps this very holding back

is the one suffering

 you could have avoided"

                                                                Franz Kafka

Love After Love

"The time will come, when with elation,

 you will greet yourself arriving

 at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other's welcome

and say, sit here.  Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

 Give wine.  Give bread.  Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you.

all your life, whom you have ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

 peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit.  Feast on your life."

                                                                                      Dereck Walcott

The Journey

"One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began,

 though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice,

 though the whole house began to tremble

and you felt the old tug at your ankles.

"Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,

though their melancholy was terrible.

 It was already late enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen branches and stones.

 But little by little, as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,

 and there was a new voice

which you slowly recognized as your own,

 that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do,

determined to save the only life you could save. "

                                                Mary Oliver